There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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