i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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