i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
