Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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