wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
