I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
