did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
even my farts smell like vagina
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
