All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
