omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
