i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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