My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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