I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
