My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
