Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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