The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
