Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize