sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
