I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
