anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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