dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
