life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
