Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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