M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
