I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
