Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
