new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
