What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
pop tarts are not kleenex
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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