Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
