Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
