But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
