What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
