your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
