he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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