thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There r osticjed everywhere
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
