we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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