I wish my penis had an off switch
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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