it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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