pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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