I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
