she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
