i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is it penis luge time yet?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
