her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize