I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
