i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
