I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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