He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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