Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
