don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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