The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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