Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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