I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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