I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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