you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Are my feet made of real feet?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
