I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
two words...techno handjob
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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