Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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