Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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