my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
