i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
