i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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