We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
