haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize